January 14, 2003
25 Hours Door-to-Door

The title may give away the ending, but here is the exciting tale of my cross-continental adventure. This happened over a week ago, but I haven't had the chance to post much:

07:45 PST: A few hours after we finished watching "Snatch" (Dave hadn't seen it, and Pulp Fiction was unavailable), Ben is so kind as to give me a ride to the aeroport so that, conscientious traveller that I am, I can arrive in plenty of time for my 9:35 flight to Montreal. 20 Timbits for breakfast.

09:30 PST: Boarding begins.

09:55 PST: Taxiing to runway.

10:05 PST: Broken "valve." Return to terminal.

10:10 - 10:50 PST: Attempted maintenance. I have a book. Others are not so fortunate. Free water served.

10:50 PST: Announcement that flight has been aborted and that they are creating a special flight for us... at 13:40. We can't leave the plane just yet, because they don't have a gate to park at.

11:05 PST: Deplaning. Not allowed to leave waiting area until they determine which gate we'll be leaving from, and find a restaurant willing to let us use our boarding-passes as meal vouchers.


11:25 PST: New gate announced. We can get $10 worth of stuff at Toast or Tim Horton's. I get some sandwiches. Retail value: $10.07. Take that, AirCanada.

11:30 PST: I join many other people at the new gate waiting to hear what is to be done about people with connecting flights. Apparantly 120 people thought they were going to Europe today.

12:10 Announcement: "There will be no connecting flights from Montreal. People with connecting flights will be overnighted by AirCanada and arrangements will be made for flights tomorrow. Mwahahaha [diabolical laughter added by me]."

12:15 PST: Boredom. I go to the post-office.

12:55 PST: Back at departure lounge. Don't seem to have missed much, but it's possible that there was a very well-contained riot while I was away.

13:35 PST: Boarding.

14:10 PST: We leave the ground. Phase 1 complete.

14:10 PST-22:00 EST: Flight. Saskatchewan still there. Inflight movie: "The Tuxedo." Not Jackie Chan's best movie, but not Jennifer Love Hewitt's worst.

22:05 EST: I successfully deplane.

22:05-22:20 EST: Wait around in arrival lounge to find out what's going on. Interesting side note: when you are standing in the back of a queue in a room full of chairs, and the queue is not getting any longer, you might as well sit down. A surprising number of people fail to grasp this.

22:20 EST: I've been assigned to the Quality Inn. With this comes the freedom to look down my nose at the riff-raff assigned to the Comfort Inn. Also, I'm on a flight at 06:** am (minutes obscured to help you simulate the memory of the author a few minutes later).

22:45-23:00 EST: Shuttle to hotel. Guy next to me was supposed to go to Norway. I'm sure he's thinking, "At least I don't have to sit next to some Comfort Inn loser."

23:00-23:15 EST: Checkin. Bear in mind that due to my baggage handling agility/getting my snowboard in the way of people I am actually first in line. It just takes15 minutes to check in because the concierge (or, as they say in Montreal, "clerk") is constantly interrupted by phone calls from people a) wanting to know how to use the phones, and b) insisting that, contrary to professional opinion, room service is available.

23:20-24:00 EST: Use my $20 dinner voucher in the lounge, which is all that is open. Silently observe human drama when people from later shuttles learn that the lounge closed at 24:00.

24:00-01:45 EST: Since I need to deposit the remainder of my Canadian cash, I attempt to determine the location of the nearest CIBC. Phone book provides little information without map. Internet kiosk sadly disappointing. Frustrating conversation with late-night 1-800 CIBC lady who is very willing to help but is burdened by extremely poor map tools that don't let her zoom out. Finally talk to hotel's night manager, who (unlike the concierge, who insisted that there was no nearby CIBC) says that there is one a couple of kilometres away. He is skeptical of my plan to walk there and tells me to come back at 02:30, when the shuttle driver can take me there. Hooray! Many thanks to the fine staff at the Quality Inn, Dorval, Quebec.

02:40-03:00 EST: Shuttle driver is openly scornful of Montreal drivers, telling me that in all the places he's been a driver only Italy is worse. He also assures me that he wouldn't normally drive through red lights like this.

03:00-04:15 EST: CAUTION! The following only makes sense after being in transit for 17 hours on 5 hours sleep. CAUTION! I can't recall the exact time of my flight => I should get to the aeroport at 05:00ish to clear customs and whatnot => I should take the 04:30 shuttle => I should get to the lobby at 04:20 => I should leave my room at 04:15 => I should wake up at 04:00, which is only an hour away => I should just stay awake reading and watching wacky French late-night tv

04:15 EST: I decide to check the flight listings in the lobby to see if it has been updated with today's flights. My flight is at 06:50 (rhymes with 15). While there I notice the rack of driving instructions includes a pamphlet on driving to New York. Estimated time: 7 hours. Hmm.

04:15-05:15 EST: See 03:00-04:15.

06:00 EST: Due to a misunderstanding, and my overriding urge to avoid conflict with strangers, my entire checkin procedure is conducted in French. I think it went ok (the only blind "oui" I gave out was to answer a question that I'm pretty sure was about whether I packed my own bags... that or "Would you be willing to waive your moral rights in order to get home and go to bed?" Either way.)

06:20 EST: Breeze through customs. Of course, I'm clearly not trying to steal jobs out of the mouths of hardworking Americans.

07:00 EST: General boarding. All 7 passengers generally board.

07:00-07:20 EST: While waiting for take off, I start to think the sleep-deprivation is kicking in, as my mind seems to be filling remarkable complex symphonic music (mostly violins) into the interacting noise from engines, ventilation system, etc. Finally determine that the music is just being played incredibly quietly on the PA system. For a second there, I thought I had actual musical creativity.

07:30-09:30 EST: Montreal to Newark. Sort of sleep.

10:00-10:40 EST: Train to New Brunswick. Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me.

11:00 EST: Arrive home. Actually glad to be in New Jersey. Not quite glad enough to kiss the ground.

11:02- EST: Sleep.

Posted: January 14, 2003 09:54 PM
Comments
by: on January 15, 2003 03:16 AM:

Brilliant. Simply Brilliant. I laughed so hard. Dude, you are one funny guy! Thanks for sharing… you made my night.

-chris

by: on January 16, 2003 09:28 PM:

pictures of the clown!

by: on January 17, 2003 12:21 AM:

To satisfy your needs, I did a search for “evil clown pictures” and got http://www.scaryornot.com/, which quickly led me to http://www.cantsleepclownswilleatme.com/. Who knew so many people care so much about clowns?

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